My depression is really beating me up. I either can’t summon the will to do anything or when I can, it’s this enormous effort and I end up crashing out on my bed afterwards in what is somewhere between exhaustion and apathy. Trying to think of good things brings me to catastrophising and tears and I seem unable to have a sensible reaction to life. I’m afraid of losing the positive relationships I have either because of consciously keeping them away or because I’m afraid a depressed wreck will be too much for them. The idea of building new connections seems like some sort of impossible dream.

I’ve had my dose of antidepressants increased and it should be having an effect by now but I don’t know if it is as I seem overall worse than I was. I’ve booked some free NHS CBT in the hope that’s useful. I’m contemplating getting back in touch with the therapist I had a couple of years ago, see if she can talk my brain into shape. I feel trapped by the depression into this kind of ever shrinking world where the only focus is not being depressed and if I can’t do that I just cry and sleep.