Cumulative effects of ADHD burnout in middle age.
I've always made up a person to fit in. Masking has taken a toll and I hate the person I've pretended to be. That person is boring, polished, and an over achiever. Since.I was punished severely on a daily basis at 4 years old and afterwards, my true self never was known to me. Only my self who could survive.
Where do we find our unmasked real self after reaching "the big one" burnout? When your braim stops working, you're no longer functional, and the person you made can no longer be sustained, what do you do?
I'm in my 40s and it's rough.
This entry was edited (today, 6:30 AM)
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Tanis Nikana
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •Hi! I’m in my forties too, with unmedicated ADHD.
I’m not sure who I am if I relax. I’ve never done it. I’m just like this all the time—reserved and restrained all the time.
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VoodooAardvark
in reply to Tanis Nikana • • •ScoffingLizard
in reply to VoodooAardvark • • •That sounds about right. I don't even know where to start. I thought I was just making myself into another person because that's what Inwas supposed to do. It never occurred to me that I was masking and that it was a bad thing.
Not sure what else I could have done though. People have to pay bills and nobody wants to hire the freak.
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Ananääs
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •That person holding the mask is protecting you, it is doing its job the only way it knows. Especially when masking is connected to a trauma it can be useful to address both aspects while working to find more sustainable ways of being. That's my experience at least - I've learned about neurodivergence and burnout as well as complex trauma simultaneously and it seems necessary for me to have "an explanation" that covers both aspects. I'm trying to be more understanding and compassionate to myself, find ways to process my issues and figure out what the real me needs. Often it feels desperate and at the moment I feel really lonely, drawing boundaries is really hard when you've lived your whole life putting other people's needs before your own. Unmasking drives people away, I'm not very good at communicating my boundaries or needs to other people and often that discussion is not encouraged either, leading to awkwardness and wrong interpretations. I carry a lot of shame with me from all the "failures" where I've failed to keep the mask up, usually I run away from situations at the last
... Show more...That person holding the mask is protecting you, it is doing its job the only way it knows. Especially when masking is connected to a trauma it can be useful to address both aspects while working to find more sustainable ways of being. That's my experience at least - I've learned about neurodivergence and burnout as well as complex trauma simultaneously and it seems necessary for me to have "an explanation" that covers both aspects. I'm trying to be more understanding and compassionate to myself, find ways to process my issues and figure out what the real me needs. Often it feels desperate and at the moment I feel really lonely, drawing boundaries is really hard when you've lived your whole life putting other people's needs before your own. Unmasking drives people away, I'm not very good at communicating my boundaries or needs to other people and often that discussion is not encouraged either, leading to awkwardness and wrong interpretations. I carry a lot of shame with me from all the "failures" where I've failed to keep the mask up, usually I run away from situations at the last minute before that happens, but people tend take that as arrogance or avoidance. Unmasking, as well as processing trauma, tend to affect our relationships, I try to believe it when people say it's for the best. We don't necessarily want to keep those relationships or stay in situations that don't allow us to be who we are, but I've yet to figure out what fills the void that's left. Maybe that void finally allows me to have space for myself, time will tell.
I've found it important to spend time with other ND's and trauma survivors, peer support groups are great. I also find comfort in watching videos on Youtube where people explain their ND burnout experiences.
You are not alone and your struggle is real. Things can change and you can learn to let go of the mask, little by little. If you don't have access to professional support free resources can be really helpful as well. Healing takes time but it is time worth spending.
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SailorFuzz
in reply to Tanis Nikana • • •like this
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Tanis Nikana
in reply to SailorFuzz • • •My mind keeps going back to my high school years—learning English and having friends I’d see every day, getting graded and held to standards in an environment I’d excel at.
Now my English is near-native, no one sets any guidelines for my work except my pay, I don’t talk to anyone from high school anymore, I’m a different gender, portions of my brain are dead, and I walk with a cane. I end up having to play obnoxiously complex solo board games at three in the morning just to get my brain tired enough to sleep.
I think I miss when I was younger and had the support of my peer group and teachers supervising, instead of the aimless isolation (relatively; my wife is great and she’s always there for me) of this world here.
gandalf_der_13te
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •WorldsDumbestMan
in reply to gandalf_der_13te • • •Oof...how out of touch.
Better luck next time.
SourDragon
in reply to gandalf_der_13te • • •OberonSwanson
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •I wrote paragraphs of my experience and realized the best advice I can give after going through it myself is, stop being afraid of being yourself and most importantly speak to a medical professional for help on ADHD burnout.
As far as the real you, for me I found he wasn’t mad, he was sad. And was tired of being treated like a monster for opening my eyes to the burnout I felt starting at 20. He simply was trying to protect me and I used him like an old dirty mattress at a porn shoot. Forgive yourself and try making recompense and start working together for balance, meaning stand up for yourself more.
Ex Nummis
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •I've unfortunately learned that continued masking is the price we have to pay for our existence in this society. The few times I let up I paid dearly (broke down at work due to years of accumulating stress - fired. Broke down at home because of the former - almost lost my relationship. Etc.).
I'm no longer willing to jeopardize my already bleak future with it.
Sarah Brown
in reply to ScoffingLizard • •@ScoffingLizard I’ve been on Elvanse and Amfexa for 18 months now.
I was diagnosed at 51. ADHD broke me. Utterly.
But I am starting to find myself again. The scars will always be there, but there is a person I can salvage from the wreck.
It’s possible.
ADHD reshared this.
lath
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •theneverfox
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •There's nothing under the mask. Your face is for communication with others
You have to take off the mask, reshape it to communicate what you want to show the world, and accept it as your real face
surewhynotlem
in reply to theneverfox • • •That's just another mask.
Your real self is the you when you're not trying to be something else. You have to feel safe and be calm and then that's you. You could possibly alter it with effort, but not as easily as a mask.
acockworkorange
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •That's less about ADHD than trauma, though the first often begets the other. I'm on the same boat. A trauma focused therapist has helped me.
Forgiving myself, allowing myself to suck at something, to not be perfect, were my starting points. I haven't got to know myself yet, but some of me seems to be shining through the cracks I'm growing on my masks.
The feeling of a wasted life is a recurring one. A whole lot of could have beens. I'm suppose to mourn it and let go instead of lamenting it. I'm not there yet.
I do recommend you find a good therapist. Professional help is a must. Good luck.
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discoplasm
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •i have been struggling with this too, i am still so frightened all of the time and i know it is part of what prevents me from forming connections with others.
art is helping me a lot, i think, though i don't fully understand how yet. maybe it is letting me figure out little pieces of things that are in me and express them, or maybe it's the experimentation and play that i felt like i wasn't allowed to do earlier in life, or some combination of things. perhaps there is something like that for you.
i really hope you have access to some good support systems. and please do be kind to yourself. our poor brains are so tired. i wish i could offer some better advice but i am stumbling in the darkness myself.
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https://aussie.zone/u/Zarobi
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •Same boat. I was increasingly exhausted from pushing myself and masking who I was for decades. I decided one day to just be myself, I couldn't take it anymore.
Lost almost everything: Job, life-long partner, house, etc. Those things simply weren't compatible with the new me. They tried to cram me back into the box of conformity, but I don't fit anymore. I think at some level I knew that, which is why it took me so long; I was clinging desperately to the life I had. Had to throw it all away and jump into the abyss.
Hard to call it a good decision, but I'm still here, and I'll do it better this time.
Edit: realised I forgot to answer your main question. After a long time of having nothing, I started discovering things about myself. Oh, I like this. I hate that. X feels more like me than Y. Illegal thought crimes for my entire life, that I'm allowed to think about now. After a while you figure out who you really are, not who you had to be.
WorldsDumbestMan
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •Well, I just got diagnosed with ADHD and instantly got Concerta. So I guess I'm one of you after all?
Oh and I burned out at around 28 I guess. Stopped keeping up with my riggid, cruel job.
So my real self is just less efficient, pisses people off constantly, and is utterly alien to everything I built to do.
ZMonster
in reply to WorldsDumbestMan • • •Happy Cat
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •I'm 30 now. I got diagnosed at 28. Burned-out at 22 or so.
Grew up in a fairly authoritarian house where large areas of personal expression were disallowed / unacceptable and others were or felt restricted through more or less RSD conflicting with emotionally immature family.
I learned to play an acceptable act and abandoned many parts of myself without even really being aware that I was. Not only that, but as my ADHD symptoms manifested more as I grew up, it also turned me from other "acceptable" things I loved. I realize this is different than your experience of never coming to know yourself.
But the point I want to make is that, in my opinion, ADHD and masking erase much of what we were, and stunt where we are in many ways. And I think there's 3 main areas to focus toward in undoing that damage.
Even though I'm 30 I'm more or less in the position of an early 20's person in many ways. So I try to allow myself the things a 20-something would be doing.
Try new activities, step outside your comfort zone, form new friends groups. You won't simply discov
... Show more...I'm 30 now. I got diagnosed at 28. Burned-out at 22 or so.
Grew up in a fairly authoritarian house where large areas of personal expression were disallowed / unacceptable and others were or felt restricted through more or less RSD conflicting with emotionally immature family.
I learned to play an acceptable act and abandoned many parts of myself without even really being aware that I was. Not only that, but as my ADHD symptoms manifested more as I grew up, it also turned me from other "acceptable" things I loved. I realize this is different than your experience of never coming to know yourself.
But the point I want to make is that, in my opinion, ADHD and masking erase much of what we were, and stunt where we are in many ways. And I think there's 3 main areas to focus toward in undoing that damage.
Even though I'm 30 I'm more or less in the position of an early 20's person in many ways. So I try to allow myself the things a 20-something would be doing.
Try new activities, step outside your comfort zone, form new friends groups. You won't simply discover who you are if you do not subject yourself to a range of experiences and continue those you find bring you some inner understanding, peace, or positive emotion.
For me, a man largely raised by women but in a family where men exhibiting femininity was judged, a large part has been accepting and expressing my femininity.
I paint my nails loud obnoxious shiny colors now. Could barely have imagined doing black a few years ago, literally had to be coaxed into it. Now in a complete 180, I love dressing up and picking/wearing glasses and jewelry and I know what colors and fits of clothes look good on me, etc.
Second, I accept and listen to my ADHD with compassion rather than try to exert willpower to fight it constantly. I do what I/it actually need now and accept that though it makes me struggle in other ways it's worth it.
I work again, but only 25 hours a week and I still call out when I need to, which is more than most would. I don't hold my incapacities against myself anymore but instead do my best to accomodate them. I focus on what is making doing things hard and try to eliminate as many obstacles as possible. Cut down on the number of things I need to commute to and from work every day is a big one for me as an example.
And a third aspect encapsulating all of this imo is pursuing medical treatment. I did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy work with professionals and alone during my several years of burnt-out, still before I had any idea I had ADHD, working toward a better mental landscape.
Learning to trust myself, learning to treat myself with kindness and compassion, learning how to nurture myself. Focusing on learning mindfulness and improving my executive function. It's hard to find yourself if you're wading through a lot of negative emotion and past experience.
I also found the meds to be incredibly effective once I did get a suspicion and seek/get diagnosis. Through therapy, I'd been able to learn to keep up on house tasks and errands and personal upkeep and whatever like a teen. I was barely keeping up, but I was doing it. When I got on the meds, I suddenly could do all that with way more consistency and less effort, but could also feel like I was able to work part-time while doing so.
Wishing you better times and much growth in self-knowledge and contentedness. 💜
TL;DR:
Pursue cognitive behavioral therapy, and ADHD meds. Try new things and meet new people. Push your comfort zone. Treat and listen to yourself/your needs with nurturing and compassionate understanding and accommodation.
CultLeader4Hire
in reply to Happy Cat • • •Happy Cat
in reply to CultLeader4Hire • • •🤷 I don't know.
In fact on thinking about it, I strongly believe both my parents probably do atleast. We're all the black sheep of the extended family. The rest might have something or not but ultimately the source is different from the outcome. The outcome in this case being my subjective experience of being raised by family who acted in emotionally immature ways.
I grew up with my parents screaming and yelling at eachother and me. Which was by far of course not the only emotionally immature behavior but is a good contrast to the rest of my extended family who won't even talk to eachother about any issues they're having with one another.
They have a third family member communicate back and forth for them. I have seen that happen multiple times in my life, and it's always only after it's clearly been affecting both sides for months.
ZMonster
in reply to ScoffingLizard • • •Same boat friend. I can't hold a job for longer than a few years and I live in an area where there are very few options so my resume is a disaster. Once I'm in a place for too long people start to notice my quirks. At first it's funny and cute, but then it gets difficult and people turn on me. Misunderstandings build and compound. Some people even see my imperceptiveness as a weakness for them to exploit.
But there is one job that I am trying to pursue again. It involves travel, working remotely, seeing new places all the time, and meeting new people for a few days at most. For me it was electrical inspection and investigation. What this means is my mask only needs to be worn for a little bit at a time. Even if someone notices my quirks, it's received as charming and then I'm gone forever. My coworkers are too busy doing the same to really care, and I only see them once a year at best.
The pay was shit so I left but now it's worth the hit. This last year has been devastating for me:
- fired over a misunderstanding days after picking up a new car that:
... Show more...Same boat friend. I can't hold a job for longer than a few years and I live in an area where there are very few options so my resume is a disaster. Once I'm in a place for too long people start to notice my quirks. At first it's funny and cute, but then it gets difficult and people turn on me. Misunderstandings build and compound. Some people even see my imperceptiveness as a weakness for them to exploit.
But there is one job that I am trying to pursue again. It involves travel, working remotely, seeing new places all the time, and meeting new people for a few days at most. For me it was electrical inspection and investigation. What this means is my mask only needs to be worn for a little bit at a time. Even if someone notices my quirks, it's received as charming and then I'm gone forever. My coworkers are too busy doing the same to really care, and I only see them once a year at best.
The pay was shit so I left but now it's worth the hit. This last year has been devastating for me:
And all of this during the dumbest time in human history. Economy is trash, job market is a veritable dumpster fire, Odyssey was so loud I had to walk out holding my ears because my loops did nothing, and every day I just go home and sit under the kitchen table with my toddler and cry. He holds my face and sings a song he made up for me, "it's o-kaaay, it's o-kaaaaay, it's o-kaaay, it's o-KAAAAAY". That song is my tether to sanity.
Burnout baby. My routine was my foundation for life and it's gone. I don't even pretend to have a long term mask anymore. I don't engage with anyone. When I'm at work, I treat my interactions as if I didn't exist after COB and had no personal opinions. I keep asking short questions that demand a lengthy response and let people crumble under the weight of them listening to themselves carry the entire conversation. But it never comes back on me and I'm such a blank slate that I have no personality at all.
I think I get it. I have no solutions. But I'll sit under your kitchen table and cry with you if it helps. I'll even sing you the song. It really does help.
Oh, and neurodiverse people don't hear this enough, but you are important and you are loved. Even when we don't feel it.