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Every so often I encounter someone who is very stridently advocating for understanding and sympathy for narcissists, to the point of sacrificing yourself to give them what they crave: supply.

And every time I smile, nod, and then instantly file them in the same mental drawer as “psychotic tiger in a bad mood”.

Never believe their bullshit, ever.

in reply to Sarah Brown

Llwynog
Llwynog
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They've clearly not been victims themselves. I was, at the beginning of the year - by a covert N. They're insidious as it takes some time to realise what they are. I served as a voluntary therapist to a covert N and she thanked me with endless criticism. As soon as I told her anything about my life, she'd use "her depression" as an excuse not to listen. When I plucked up the courage politely call her out, she went around falsely accusing me of harassment
This entry was edited (7 months ago)
in reply to Llwynog

Llwynog
Llwynog
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she kept repeatedly accusing others of lacking empathy - which her own mother described as "laughable, because she doesn't have any empathy herself". Thankfully, people saw through her lies about me and she was banned from our local LGBT community. But it turned out very differently when I was 19 & still at uni, much less mature, and having inadvertently offended a covert N. Lesson learned: ask yourself how this person makes you feel, don't just listen to words.
in reply to Llwynog

Sarah Brown
Sarah Brown
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@Llwynog yeah. Once you’re wise to their shit, you can defend yourself.

But if you don’t understand, and they’re in a position of power over you, that’s when they can do profound damage. A lot of us who were raised by them evolve coping strategies, but when you’re a kid having to defend yourself against the person who is supposed to be nurturing you, it causes life long damage.

We also tend to be on high alert for them, constantly. If someone behaves in a way that triggers my narcissist response, it’s instant fight or flight, with a heavy dose of grey rocking.

This has actually served me quite well, but it’s a fucked up superpower to have.

@Llwynog
in reply to Sarah Brown

Llwynog
Llwynog
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the endless guilt-tripping is their most powerful tool. Covert Ns are really insidious because they present themselves as shy, introverted, morally superior and even sweet, initially. They're masters at mental gymnastics.

Playing the victim, endlessly talking about themselves and constantly complaining are my three N red flags.

Do you have any advice on how to detect (covert) Ns before they can do much harm? Any specific behaviours to watch out for?

This entry was edited (7 months ago)
in reply to Llwynog

Sarah Brown
Sarah Brown
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@Llwynog I’m not sure I can put it into words. There’s usually something “off” about them. Very self absorbed as you note, and feeling the need to constantly have someone or something ready to blame, even for stuff that doesn’t actually require it.
@Llwynog
in reply to Llwynog

Sylvia Knight
Sylvia Knight
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When small things all align to make them the best / most hard done by person in the world. If it is a pattern then you can guess they are lying or just making stuff up to fit the narrative. For example Brenda said she wanted to move house when she retired because she didn’t know anyone in the village but my dad disagreed. Then he went into a care home but she couldn’t move house then because it would be too awful to abandon the friends in the village she’d known her whole life.
in reply to Alexandra Lanes

Sylvia Knight
Sylvia Knight
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With her mild dementia these days, not even from one sentence to the next. It makes it very obvious.
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