Last year Zoe and I commenced operation “Oui Oui Baguette” to move our boat, Scarlet, from Gosport to La Rochelle in France. This was interrupted by a small engine fire which left us stranded in the Brittany port of Quiberon over winter to make repairs.
Anyway, we moved the boat to La Rochelle a month ago. Today we commence “Operation Churro”. We plan to leave La Rochelle shortly and in a single leg of 36-40 hours in the Bay of Biscay arrive at Hendaye on the French/Spanish border.
The orcas were attacking boats in this area about a month ago but since then seem to have moved west and are now heading south from Galicia to Lisboa so we should be safe from them (fingers crossed). Weather looks ok. We will probably be motoring for the first part with the hope we can sail from later today.
We have 100 litres of diesel on hand, 170 litres of fresh water, a fresh butane cylinder for cooking, and a bunch of fresh food ingredients in the fridge. Our crew is me, @Zoë O'Connell and @Jessica Smith 🏳️🌈
safe travels! If you see a 43 footer called the Steno give it a wave. It's the one I do a bunch of repairs on from time to time and it's in the area now.
At some point in the last 4 months since starting ADHD meds the state I regard as normal has swapped over.
I’m currently in the post medicated state and I feel like some confused scared shadow of a person terrified of her own emotions which she doesn’t understand and bemused by the world.
Oh I get it now, thanks. Post-medicated as in, the part of each day when the meds wear off—not the part of your life after you started taking the meds.
So I’m awake after 3 hours of sleep, again, and my thoughts are going at a zillion kph, again, but one of the ones I can grab onto is “the problem here is that we don’t get medicated at night and so my brain will do this and that’s probably why my sleep is so utterly crappy and I wonder if there’s stuff about this on the Internet”.
(Yes, that was a single sentence. Trust me, I am slowing TF down to even get it to that state)
So I grab my phone and search for “ADHD stimulants racing thoughts sleep” and one of the first things that comes up is this: simplypsychology.org/adhd-raci…
And I want to say lots of things about this. Which one to start with?
Ok, firstly whilst this has a bit about “what you can try if this is you”, it’s clearly not written FOR us because it’s written in that very neurotypical style. You know the one: “90 percent of this article could have
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So I’m awake after 3 hours of sleep, again, and my thoughts are going at a zillion kph, again, but one of the ones I can grab onto is “the problem here is that we don’t get medicated at night and so my brain will do this and that’s probably why my sleep is so utterly crappy and I wonder if there’s stuff about this on the Internet”.
(Yes, that was a single sentence. Trust me, I am slowing TF down to even get it to that state)
So I grab my phone and search for “ADHD stimulants racing thoughts sleep” and one of the first things that comes up is this: simplypsychology.org/adhd-raci…
And I want to say lots of things about this. Which one to start with?
Ok, firstly whilst this has a bit about “what you can try if this is you”, it’s clearly not written FOR us because it’s written in that very neurotypical style. You know the one: “90 percent of this article could have been not labouring the point and getting on with it and will you bloody chaos goblins PLEASE stop interrupting?”
Secondly, there’s a lot of stuff on the Internet of this type that ends up being “have you tried NOT having ADHD?” which this isn’t, at least for some people because I recognise the strategies it talks about, eg mindfulness, journaling, grounding, creating a routine, etc as stuff that some of my friends do, and they DO help.
But thirdly and finally, it still feels like that for me because pretty much everything it suggests is stuff I just can’t bloody do.
And I’m NOT being oppositional defiant or stubborn or wilfully obstructive here. I promise, I have tried this stuff, and most if not all of it I just can’t bloody do (except, maybe I’m literally doing one of the things now, ironically, maybe. Will come back to that).
Let’s look at the suggestions, and this is specifically about SLEEP, so the ones that are “just take the goddam speed” don’t apply here. I take the goddam speed in the daytime and that stops them and I quite often nap as a result, because I’m fucking exhausted (that’s literally the thought that started this cascade).
I’m gonna group a few: mindfulness and grounding, acknowledge and let go.
I have had people get intensely frustrated with me because they insist, pretty much to the point of yelling at me sometimes, that I should be trying these things. It seems some people can do them and they work, so perhaps a lot of that evangelism comes from a place of kindness and the subsequent frustration comes from what is seen as my stubborn dismissal.
I get that. I really do.
But I have TRIED to do all this stuff and here’s the issue; it all relies on me interrupting myself to do the shit it’s suggesting, and having the attention span and willpower to keep doing that.
And for me that interruption induces monotropic split; that stressful adrenal surge when pulled out of hyperfocus, except this time I’m doing it to myself.
And so there I am, having just caused monotropic split, literally fight or flighting myself, and now you want me to “concentrate on my breathing”, or some shit?
Yeah, cool story bro. The fucking LOOK I’m giving you, yes, you know the one, do I need to go on? I don’t? Excellent.
Sleep hygiene. SLEEEEEEEEEP HYGEINE. Well. What’s that? Develop a routine? Limit screen time before bed? Be slow and methodical and self disciplined at the point the stimulants are wearing off and gather all your executive function to act like you can actually have a rigid routine that you stick to, day after day, or at least most of them.
Trying that relies on the novelty trigger. And I suspect it will get so old so fast that it might get tried once. Or half a time. Or not at all. Look at all the pretty fucking squirrels.
I do not do routine. I can just about manage “take your lisdexamphetamine with breakfast to make it work better and rescue you from chaos goblin mode” most days.
Most
Yeah. No. Not doing that shit. Not happening. That’s AAAAAAAAAAAALL the way into “have you tried not having ADHD?” territory and actually, I have tried not having ADHD, sort of. It actually rules but it also relies on me doing that thing I’m not supposed to do: take speed in the middle of the night.
Do you do, like, maybe benzodiazepines? Yeah, I know, they stop working. Melatonin has never actually done shit when I’ve tried it. Maybe i seriously need to investigate finding someone who will let me try amphetamine and SNRI (atomoxetine) combination therapy? That might work.
Sorry. Squirreled there. My bad.
Physical exercise and movement. I’m in bed. I have needed to piss for the last 90 minutes and yet I have not pissed. Point made? Good.
Reframe. Ok, these are mostly not “I wonder why we have ten toes?” Thoughts. Ok. Some of them are. Squirrel. Most of them are actually “given the state of the world let’s dwell on the actually not implausible scenarios in which I could die quite horribly and quite soon”.
Not thanking my brain for those. Not imagining them in a silly voice. Just mostly being actually shit scared of them.
Time blocking: doesn’t apply. I’m in bed. Also stuff that’s “time management” coded falls into the category of “things that caused my worst burnouts in the half century I had no fucking help for any of this” and so there trauma-coded. That sucks.
Healthy distractions:journaling. Used to be quite the blogger but burned out. More recently I tried using the iPhone’s journaling app for a bit. Made lovely journal entries. Novelty trigger wore off. Phone reminding me to journal my day served as a repeating monument to failure. I deleted the app.
But here I am. I wrote this. It’s probably full of typos. I wrote it on my phone. Might cone back and tidy it up later. Probably won’t.
Suspect this is a once only thing. Also it took me well over an hour and it’s now half past eight and I still need to piss, and I still need to sleep.
Might be able to manage the first one at least. Finally.
Imagine your mind is like a web browser with dozens of tabs open, all playing videos or music at the same time. For many people with ADHD, this is what everyday thinking feels like.
I've struggled with insomnia my whole life. I've found paediatric records that say this "she has a history of sleep disturbance and slept 5 hours the night before" The only thing that kinda works for me when the thoughts start racing on bad stressful things is telling myself this isn't the time/place for those thoughts, it's time to sleep, think of something else. Like, anything. Elephants? It's a little more peaceful and eventually I go unconscious.
@Heather 👻 I can sort of manage a thing sometimes where I steer the thoughts into complete abstract nonsense that sort of folds in on itself because it becomes so weird I can’t work out what I’m actually thinking about.
Mostly that just jolts me into a rebooted thought train, but sometimes I can fall immediately asleep if it hits just right.
See ADHD minds are so different and complex that NT people diagnosing and treating ND people can never understand.
I've gotten to the point where I want to punch anyone offering help. I've basically accepted I'm helpless in this matter, please also accept it (and me).
Also thank you, I've now Uno Reverse myself as I was starting to fall asleep but need to be awake a little while longer to unload the washing machine so I will now rage about medical trauma that is usually what keeps me up at night 🙃
Hi! This post forced me to log in to Mastodon and reply when I did it so thank you ig. I don't have any advice except "idk sleep will come when it comes". Right now it's apparently important we are awake and seeing all the fucking shit that's going on, sigh
My own related experience: have ADHD and a sleep disorder (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, DSPS). Researched sleep stuff because of DSPS before I knew I had ADHD. Melatonin can work a little, but only by making you more tired. Also everyone takes it wrong. Common formulations are inconsistent in dose so you need to buy higher quality, and your body also produces less at night, you should take a very small dose (like less than 1 mg) several hours before bed. Only works if you're consistent, so bad for ADHD, but the timing is actually pretty close to the end of daily lisdexamphetamine dose so maybe possible. Other sleep meds can work for non dsps, but come with all their own risks and have limited long term effectiveness with increasing downsides generally.
My personal most effective experiences have been crashing on energy after the speed runs out, which only works if I consistently take the speed which is bad because forgetting and also taking it too often is bad for my body.
Last point, there are types of meditation besides mindfulness meditation, which I find more effe
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My own related experience: have ADHD and a sleep disorder (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, DSPS). Researched sleep stuff because of DSPS before I knew I had ADHD. Melatonin can work a little, but only by making you more tired. Also everyone takes it wrong. Common formulations are inconsistent in dose so you need to buy higher quality, and your body also produces less at night, you should take a very small dose (like less than 1 mg) several hours before bed. Only works if you're consistent, so bad for ADHD, but the timing is actually pretty close to the end of daily lisdexamphetamine dose so maybe possible. Other sleep meds can work for non dsps, but come with all their own risks and have limited long term effectiveness with increasing downsides generally.
My personal most effective experiences have been crashing on energy after the speed runs out, which only works if I consistently take the speed which is bad because forgetting and also taking it too often is bad for my body.
Last point, there are types of meditation besides mindfulness meditation, which I find more effective, but I can't explain what I'm doing because I'm not well versed in meditation terminology. Also like you I generally don't remember to start in the first place so it rarely helps.
@Valdus With some more exploration, timing the stimulants to run out just before bed, IF I then actually go to bed. Too long and not only do I lose the executive function to go to bed, the racing thoughts start up and keep me awake.
However, there's a nice little cheat mode to get round this that I've discovered, which I like to call, "a bedtime double espresso"
I feel like iPhone MagSafe has so much unrealised potential for carrying … stuff. Like I want a little pouch in which I can keep smell essentials. A sort of keyring plus.
I’m having a custom corset made because I’m worth it. Went for the fit test of the mockup today (the final thing is a sumptuous red with black lace detail).
Anyway, she’s gonna take it in another 2-3cm at the waist and give me more push up in the bust.
Ah yea of course but the boning lines and shape overall I kinda meant looks similar to my wedding corset. It'll look cooler when its all colours and lace!
I saw the medication news and I'm really happy it's working for you! Me? I don't know how up you are on things ooop North.... I could talk about my wonderful partner @psotle , our travels and adventures, finding a job that feels *right*, we had a second cat for a few months... I'll settle for life is good, I'm in a good place and really exciting adventure to come later this year ☺️
Breakfast of champions (if your champion happens to be a chaos goblin). Clockwise from left: blood pressure monitor, cereal, water, protein yoghurt, lisdexamfetamine 50mg.
I've suspected I'm perimeno for maybe 18 months now but no real sleep disturbances. So probably will never be believed 🫠 Obviously everyone has hot flashes. Feeling off and irregular is just the birth control hormones, yup, doesn't matter that my pattern on this birth control has been the same for the previous 9 years and is now wildly different. "It's just stress"
I’ve been struggling with my HRT levels for a while after finding out I was effectively menopausal earlier this year. I noticed this by my FSH being high. Since then I switched from pills to gel and it got me back into the non menopausal range, but only just.
I know this because I’ve been having regular blood tests. My metabolism is quite fast and clears stuff from my system quickly, so the longer release of gel (it builds a reservoir in the fat) works for me.
Anyway, since starting lisdexamfetamine for ADHD, I’ve checked my FSH using urine tests and it got a lot lower still. I figured it was somehow calming down my liver and letting the oestrogen last longer in the body.
Got a new blood test result yesterday. FSH is now MUCH lower, which is good.
But it’s not from oestrogen.
It’s from TESTOSTERONE!
Elvanse seems to have kicked my adrenal glands up a notch. I guess this makes sense. It is a stimulant. It’s taken my T from the very bottom of the female range to the middle of it. Impressive, given I have no ovar
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I’ve been struggling with my HRT levels for a while after finding out I was effectively menopausal earlier this year. I noticed this by my FSH being high. Since then I switched from pills to gel and it got me back into the non menopausal range, but only just.
I know this because I’ve been having regular blood tests. My metabolism is quite fast and clears stuff from my system quickly, so the longer release of gel (it builds a reservoir in the fat) works for me.
Anyway, since starting lisdexamfetamine for ADHD, I’ve checked my FSH using urine tests and it got a lot lower still. I figured it was somehow calming down my liver and letting the oestrogen last longer in the body.
Got a new blood test result yesterday. FSH is now MUCH lower, which is good.
But it’s not from oestrogen.
It’s from TESTOSTERONE!
Elvanse seems to have kicked my adrenal glands up a notch. I guess this makes sense. It is a stimulant. It’s taken my T from the very bottom of the female range to the middle of it. Impressive, given I have no ovaries (in cis women, testosterone comes from both the ovaries and adrenals).
Explains why my sex drive has been a bit higher of late, I guess.
ohhh, see I’ve been on dexamphetamine since before grs and I keep hearing my T is high for a post-op trans woman (but normal for a cis woman) and now I know why!
Noticed when driving on Elvanse that I have to actively scan for hazards which I just knew about before.
This is making me be super careful when driving.
For those who don’t have ADHD, it’s really badly named. We don’t have an attention deficit at all. We just can’t control what it’s focusing on for long.
Basically our brains are constantly processing the entire input stream from our environment. All of it. You have no idea how utterly overwhelming this is until it switches off for the first time.
And then there’s a moment of clarity, before which you were listening to every radio station in the world simultaneously and always have been.
And now you’re just listening to one.
But with driving, I think that was actually making me a safer driver because it’s hard to become target fixated when your neurology basically can’t do that.
Something for me to be aware of. Now I have to choose to scan for hazards.
Or drive unmedicated.
Apparently if you’re a pilot with ADHD, your
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Noticed when driving on Elvanse that I have to actively scan for hazards which I just knew about before.
This is making me be super careful when driving.
For those who don’t have ADHD, it’s really badly named. We don’t have an attention deficit at all. We just can’t control what it’s focusing on for long.
Basically our brains are constantly processing the entire input stream from our environment. All of it. You have no idea how utterly overwhelming this is until it switches off for the first time.
And then there’s a moment of clarity, before which you were listening to every radio station in the world simultaneously and always have been.
And now you’re just listening to one.
But with driving, I think that was actually making me a safer driver because it’s hard to become target fixated when your neurology basically can’t do that.
Something for me to be aware of. Now I have to choose to scan for hazards.
Or drive unmedicated.
Apparently if you’re a pilot with ADHD, your medical requires you to fly unmedicated. I now understand why.
Before medication I had about one minor accident per year where I bumped something while parking or smaller stuff like speeding because I didn't notice the sign.
That immediately stopped alltogether. For about 5 years now: Zero accidents and no tickets while driving medicated.
One night my son fell out of his bed and hit his chin on something he build from lego, receiving a big laceration. Usually we clamp those ourselves but that one was too big for us, so I put him in my car and drove to the hospital at 3am. Unmedicated. I rushed over at least one red light, probably two. I was the only car out there that night so nothing happened. But I was shocked anyway.
The doctor saw the laceration and said "Well, I would not clamp that one either, this needs stitches for sure!" so we did the right thing. 😅
Next time this happens I'll take one Medikinet for the road...
this is very different to my experience because without meds I sometimes just forgot to look before changing lanes or something and with meds I’m way more structured and thus safer. I’m safe enough without them, but definitely safer with.
@marlies It is cool how we're responding differently to this. @Zoë O'Connell started Elvanse at the same time I did and she's reporting a similar experience to mine.
Perhaps my subconscious is trustworthy, but it is freaking me out that I'm not constantly scanning ... everything, automatically.
@zoe yeah I think without meds I had a tendency to scan without always actually perceiving? Like, overcompensating/dealing with the overload by subconsciously discarding too much input. It’s hard to explain.
@marlies @Zoë O'Connell I have suspected for some time that driving activates my hyperfocus (and I do like doing it a lot). Maybe that’s why I’m noticing this.
@marlies @zoe a friend with quite debilitating ADHD talks about driving activating hyper focus for her. Not sure if meds changed that for her, she often ends up unmedicated due to NHS fuckery.
Always interesting seeing variation in what meds do and don't allow and how to balance desirable and less-desirable things and learning to live with a changed neurology.
ADHD med titration continues apace. I’m sticking with 50mg Elvanse (lisdexamfetamine) and adding in 10mg Amfexa (dexamphetamine) as a booster to get me through the evening.
I honestly never dreamed my life would go in the direction of having to manage the duality of being a functional adult who can do adult things in the daytime and is sensible and all that stuff, and a chaos goblin by the evening.
The transition I saw coming from a long time before, if I’m being honest. But while neurodivergence was always obvious to anyone who met me, finally getting the actual answer and following it through to Planet Amphetamine and all that implies has blindsided me a bit.
@Like a DIYer dad, only gayer I’m using the mornings for housework and yes, agreed on exercise. Need a bit of that. Executive function lasting into the afternoon helps me get stuff done with my business.
I'm glad the drugs are so helpful, I know there's huge variation in how helpful they can be, but so positive at such an early stage. Hope your titration/jibbling continue to go well and you get an optimal configuration for you.
The single weirdest thing for me about being on Elvanse for ADHD is getting to spend each day as a functioning human being with regulated emotions and executive function, but knowing that the clock is ticking and that when the timer runs down I am going to return to being a self-hating hyperactive messy vial of emotional nitroglycerin.
Messy out now!Listen and Download here: https://lolayoung.lnk.to/messyVDMy Album is out now 'This wasn't meant for you Anyway': https://LolaYoung.lnk.to/twmf...
Plan is all about self care. Avoid stressful stuff. If there is ANY hint of pushback against anything that needs doing, then I will make it a problem for future Sarah.
I feel like there’s a lot of reverse ableism with people telling me that the REAL problem with ADHD is that I am “traumatised” by a world that isn’t adapted to my needs and that were it not for this “trauma”, I would be able to function just fine.
If it’s trauma, why does a single pill that raises my dopamine levels switch it off like a light switch and turn me into an emotionally stable adult with executive function?
I had a shower and thought more (as you do) and maybe it's just the usual problem of people projecting their own problems. Also medication only works for about 70% of people with ADHD and not everyone has the glorious epiphany you have (congrats tho!)
Also I wonder, like in my case, my DMN is rather strong and annoying... Combined with high empathy (confirmed medically kinda now due to the stupid ASD screening) it's a rather hard-mode life for me.
Just over a week on ADHD meds now (Elvanse), and honestly, still life changing.
My clinician thinks that 50mg may be “my dose”, but it’s perhaps a little early to tell and we’re going to pick this up in a week’s time.
I’m not averse to at least trying the 60s, but we shall see.
Anyway, apparently a few people who know me find it a bit weird, or even startling to encounter me on Elvanse, especially now I’ve stepped up my dose.
Picture someone you know who has always been a “chaos goblin”. I’ve always been very outgoing (it’s a mask. I’m terrified), mercurial, eager to say my piece, etc.
Now picture such a person on speed, which is basically what Elvanse slowly converts to in your red blood cells.
The picture in your head probably isn’t someone sitting still, waiting their turn in conversation, speaking slowly and with consideration.
I’ve been told I look “drugged”, in a way vaguely reminiscent of benzodiazepines.
Nothing could be further fr
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Just over a week on ADHD meds now (Elvanse), and honestly, still life changing.
My clinician thinks that 50mg may be “my dose”, but it’s perhaps a little early to tell and we’re going to pick this up in a week’s time.
I’m not averse to at least trying the 60s, but we shall see.
Anyway, apparently a few people who know me find it a bit weird, or even startling to encounter me on Elvanse, especially now I’ve stepped up my dose.
Picture someone you know who has always been a “chaos goblin”. I’ve always been very outgoing (it’s a mask. I’m terrified), mercurial, eager to say my piece, etc.
Now picture such a person on speed, which is basically what Elvanse slowly converts to in your red blood cells.
The picture in your head probably isn’t someone sitting still, waiting their turn in conversation, speaking slowly and with consideration.
I’ve been told I look “drugged”, in a way vaguely reminiscent of benzodiazepines.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I am alert and focused. More than I have ever been before. I just don’t feel the need to interrupt you and finish your sentences any more.
At least, not until the evening, when it wears off. Then I’m the chaos goblin again.
having said that, I do occasionally leave out the epilepsy thing because I feel it's non-relevant and too many health professionals have never heard of rolandic epilepsy that you grow out of.
@Akki Depending on the heart issue your had had, that may not be an issue - they're predominantly only concerned in the really serious stuff. And even then it's often just a case of more monitoring.
BP unlikely to be an issue if it's controlled. Someone I know is on multiple BP meds for otherwise insane levels of hypotension and it wasn't a concern. (Just stop/tweak the meds if it goes up I guess)
@zoe I don't know exactly what my dad had, I think it was hardening of the arteries and quadruple bypass surgery. He had a pacemaker in later life due to medical malpractice (his GP got too concerned with raising magnesium levels? So potassium spiked and fucked his heart that way) Literally just dropped dead one day at 67.
I think the consultant was being arsey about "first" heart attack or something and he wasn't diagnosed with that until bypass surgery.
@zoe 12 May I hear the response to my official complaint. We'll see if they can offer outside assessment or just fuck me over some more and claim i'm just "unhappy" with the suggestion of ASD/anxiety/whatever they wanna make up.
Possibly, unless you're older than you look in your profile pic. You might genuinely remember those times if you're over 50. Probably not if you're younger.
Then you probably remember the time that journalists tried to hold John Major's government to account over all the "cash for questions" nonsense. I think that's more or less the last time they did it.
@christineburns Good question, I was wondering about that too. It was mostly the Telegraph who covered it, but they actually did a pretty good job, and I think things even changed as a result.
Today at the lowest point of my ADHD meds cycle the injustice and moral outrage over what the UK has just done burns like a million suns. It is physically painful.
It’s said that our emotions are disregulated: we either feel nothing or our emotions are dialled up to a million, with basically nothing in between.
Even though it probably won’t affect me, it HURTS.
And it is the nature of ADHD brains to tell us we are terrible people for not fixing the world’s ills. Suspect that’s why I was so compelled to do trans activism.
And why now, before I take today’s Elvanse, there is part my my brain whispering to me that I am a dreadful human being for not doing more, even though I literally gave myself a nervous breakdown.
That part of the brain is called the Default Mode Network. Some of us call it the “DeMoN”.
It’s also why it looks to us like neurotypicals have no sense of morality.
Because they can look at injustice without it hurting and without kn
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I have just had an utterly cursed insight.
Today at the lowest point of my ADHD meds cycle the injustice and moral outrage over what the UK has just done burns like a million suns. It is physically painful.
It’s said that our emotions are disregulated: we either feel nothing or our emotions are dialled up to a million, with basically nothing in between.
Even though it probably won’t affect me, it HURTS.
And it is the nature of ADHD brains to tell us we are terrible people for not fixing the world’s ills. Suspect that’s why I was so compelled to do trans activism.
And why now, before I take today’s Elvanse, there is part my my brain whispering to me that I am a dreadful human being for not doing more, even though I literally gave myself a nervous breakdown.
That part of the brain is called the Default Mode Network. Some of us call it the “DeMoN”.
It’s also why it looks to us like neurotypicals have no sense of morality.
Because they can look at injustice without it hurting and without knowing that they aren’t a total piece of shit for not fixing it. Elvanse has given me that insight.
I am struggling to not explode with rage at what Labour are doing. Yesterday I actually did, until Elvanse took that away.
And I’m craving having it taken away again today because it’s really very painful.
And that I want that means my demon is telling me that I am the literal worst human alive.
And such obvious easily measured facets of #ADHD biochemistry differing from the neurotypical kind is very annoying to that subset of neurotypicals who insist that ADHD doesn't exist.
For about a year now every day after lunch when the second Medikinet dose kicks in, I get so sleepy that I have to sleep for 30min on our couch. Coping is stress and you get so used to it... 😩
Still not got a good answer to the question of how neurotypicals have fun.
Like, it has recently come to my attention that you lot get a dopamine reward for picking up your socks off the floor and putting them away. I have now experienced this and, wow! Yeah. Very cool! Neat trick you have there.
So why spend money on leisure activities when you can just pick shit up?
It’s really starting to hit me now. All those years I wasn’t lazy. I wasn’t deliberately obstructive. I wasn’t thoughtless. I wasn’t careless. I wasn’t a deliberate arsehole.
My neurology literally wouldn’t let me slow down, do stuff, talk quieter, not interrupt, not go from 0 to “temper tantrum” in 2 seconds, remember where I put the thing I was holding 1 second ago. Not want to end people for talking too slowly.
One pill fixes it all. One sodding pill.
51 years.
There’s more grieving to come here, I think. A lot more.
And no, everyone is NOT “a little bit ADHD”. You have no bloody idea.
After that I took my kid to a psychiatrist to get him tested as well and she was like "Your son has a very severe case of ADHD and definately needs medication!" and all I see in him is myself back in the 80s. Exactly myself. I must have been the same "very severe" case. But instead of medication, information and behavioral therapy, all I got was bullshit that started with "You just have to..."
But sure, everyone is "a little bit ADHD" 😩. I wish people knew what saying this does to people like you, me and kids like my son.
@pathfinder my favourite response to "everyone is a little ADHD" is "everyone has to pee, Karen, but if you're peeing 53 times a day, you probably need to get looked at "
Zoe, on the other hand, got a trainee and had a terrible one and switched to Dr Dutta at Berkeley and I sat in on her consultation and she was utterly lovely.
Have you done an ASRS self evaluation? If you're ticking loads of grey boxes, they aren't telling you that you don't have it.
@Ghost of Hope 🏳️⚧️ Just remember, nobody in your family has cardiac issues. You do not do substance abuse. You have never borrowed someone else's prescription medicine.
First few days on Elvanse and wow! This stuff is honestly astonishing.
If you’re seeing this on Bluesky it’s auto cross posted from fedi. Breaks might be in odd places.
It’s essentially created two versions of me. There is medicated me who is a competent adult and can Just Do Stuff and unmedicated me who is mot, and cannot (but who is fun and lovely and is the version writing this).
On the way up the transition between the two is smooth and continuous.
On the way down it is not. I can feel it starting to fade over above half and hour then it reaches some critical level and o spend 10-15 minutes just crashing.
And then I’m the person writing this again, but a bit dazed and bewildered.
I’m hoping this will get smoother. At the moment it leads to almost a discontinuity in personality, but only on the way down, where afterwards I simply cannot conceive of being the person I just was.
I think I need to get into the habit, before it wears off, of leaving myself something nice for just after the crash.
@Momo Dunno. I know a lot of people end up doing a 40/30 split long term but this is not my wheelhouse. I know about HRT but I do not know about this, so I’m just going to do as I’m told and take what they tell me to take while titration happens.
I am in my mid-30s and I've done OK academically and career-wise - mostly because I have compensated for difficulties concentrating by being bright. On meds, I am far more able to gain knowledge and, as you say, "do stuff". I grieve for all the skills I haven't been able to gain, and the time I have wasted, due to leaving this condition untreated until now. At least now I know I wasn't lazy previously (as everyone assumed); just handicapped by a medical condition.
@Llwynog Yeah. Like, they were so bloody horrible to me for not doing the stuff that was literally viscerally painful because to them, they literally got a dopamine headset for doing it.
It's called a rebound and you will getting used to it. After about a week you won't feel it anymore. But until then tricks like that help you adjusting faster.
Do you mean things like attending loud concerts? What gets to me is *excessive* small talk (a little bit is OK) - especially in the workplace. It drains my energy because I'm required to concentrate on a non-productive conversation that doesn't even lead to friendship or other social benefits. I used to get criticised for disliking excessive small talk, but I've turned it into a strength by working hard and being efficient whilst everyone else is chatting.
Years ago, people would have described my aversion to small talk as "autistic". But this implies lacking the skills to make small talk. I avert it due to it requiring me to concentrate (on something that wastes time); it has nothing to do with an inability to schmooze, otherwise I would not have reached where I have in my nursing career. Understanding this, instead of lazily describing it as "autistic", has helped me gain a greater understanding of my life.
Sarah Brown
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