I want to explain a few things and then it might be clearer why UK trans people are upset.

In 2001 I married my wife, Sylvia.

In 2005 I started medical transition. For the state to recognise this I had to submit to standards of "care" which were humiliating, degrading and which placed me at risk of violence.

But I did it "by the book"

As I did it "by the book", the NHS agreed to reregister me as female, which makes sense because my anatomy now is.

In 2007 I had sex reassignment surgery. This had to be signed off by two mental health professionals, "by the book", and it was.

In 2008 I applied for gender recognition. This involved signing a statutory obligation, stating that I promised, BY LAW, to live fully as female for the rest of my life. As this was done, "by the book", the government promised that it would treat me as such.

Its first act as treating me as female was to annul our marriage because it was a same sex marriage and those were not allowed.

The state then reissued my birth certificate, correcting the "mistake" it had originally made when it recorded me as male, "by the book".

In 2009 Sylvia and I married for the second time, in a same sex civil partnership, which was done "by the book", because the state regarded me as female and I was bound by law to be female.

In 2013 we married again, because the state decided that same sex marriage was in fact allowed after all. This was done, "by the book". Despite having been married for 12 years, we had to submit ourselves to individual questioning to prove our relationship was genuine, "by the book".

In April of 2025 the state turned round and told me that I had been mistaken. That it never regarded me as female. That I was male the whole time. That the marriage it annulled because it was a same sex marriage was never a same sex marriage (but it stays annulled). That the civil partnership in 2009 never really happened because "opposite sex" civil partnerships were not allowed in 2009.

And that the legal obligation I have to live as female for the rest of my life, which I signed and gave up my marriage for, is still in effect but also if I keep following it, I am breaking the law and subject to arrest. As it's still valid, presumably if I don't keep following it, I am also breaking the law and subject to arrest.

The law of the land simultaneously requires me to be both a man and a woman and if I do either then I am breaking the law and subject to arrest.

At every stage I did what the state asked me to, even though it was humiliating, degrading and cruel.

And it kept moving the goalposts, and reneging on the agreements it made, whilst continuing to hold me to them even when they are now mutually contradictory.

Apparently this is "all my fault" and I should have known that this would be the consequences of my actions when I started medical transition 2 decades ago.

Perhaps you can now appreciate why we are upset?

So I’m awake after 3 hours of sleep, again, and my thoughts are going at a zillion kph, again, but one of the ones I can grab onto is “the problem here is that we don’t get medicated at night and so my brain will do this and that’s probably why my sleep is so utterly crappy and I wonder if there’s stuff about this on the Internet”.

(Yes, that was a single sentence. Trust me, I am slowing TF down to even get it to that state)

So I grab my phone and search for “ADHD stimulants racing thoughts sleep” and one of the first things that comes up is this: simplypsychology.org/adhd-raci…

And I want to say lots of things about this. Which one to start with?

Ok, firstly whilst this has a bit about “what you can try if this is you”, it’s clearly not written FOR us because it’s written in that very neurotypical style. You know the one: “90 percent of this article could have been not labouring the point and getting on with it and will you bloody chaos goblins PLEASE stop interrupting?”

Secondly, there’s a lot of stuff on the Internet of this type that ends up being “have you tried NOT having ADHD?” which this isn’t, at least for some people because I recognise the strategies it talks about, eg mindfulness, journaling, grounding, creating a routine, etc as stuff that some of my friends do, and they DO help.

But thirdly and finally, it still feels like that for me because pretty much everything it suggests is stuff I just can’t bloody do.

And I’m NOT being oppositional defiant or stubborn or wilfully obstructive here. I promise, I have tried this stuff, and most if not all of it I just can’t bloody do (except, maybe I’m literally doing one of the things now, ironically, maybe. Will come back to that).

Let’s look at the suggestions, and this is specifically about SLEEP, so the ones that are “just take the goddam speed” don’t apply here. I take the goddam speed in the daytime and that stops them and I quite often nap as a result, because I’m fucking exhausted (that’s literally the thought that started this cascade).

I’m gonna group a few: mindfulness and grounding, acknowledge and let go.

I have had people get intensely frustrated with me because they insist, pretty much to the point of yelling at me sometimes, that I should be trying these things. It seems some people can do them and they work, so perhaps a lot of that evangelism comes from a place of kindness and the subsequent frustration comes from what is seen as my stubborn dismissal.

I get that. I really do.

But I have TRIED to do all this stuff and here’s the issue; it all relies on me interrupting myself to do the shit it’s suggesting, and having the attention span and willpower to keep doing that.

And for me that interruption induces monotropic split; that stressful adrenal surge when pulled out of hyperfocus, except this time I’m doing it to myself.

And so there I am, having just caused monotropic split, literally fight or flighting myself, and now you want me to “concentrate on my breathing”, or some shit?

Yeah, cool story bro. The fucking LOOK I’m giving you, yes, you know the one, do I need to go on? I don’t? Excellent.

Sleep hygiene. SLEEEEEEEEEP HYGEINE. Well. What’s that? Develop a routine? Limit screen time before bed? Be slow and methodical and self disciplined at the point the stimulants are wearing off and gather all your executive function to act like you can actually have a rigid routine that you stick to, day after day, or at least most of them.

Trying that relies on the novelty trigger. And I suspect it will get so old so fast that it might get tried once. Or half a time. Or not at all. Look at all the pretty fucking squirrels.

I do not do routine. I can just about manage “take your lisdexamphetamine with breakfast to make it work better and rescue you from chaos goblin mode” most days.

Most

Yeah. No. Not doing that shit. Not happening. That’s AAAAAAAAAAAALL the way into “have you tried not having ADHD?” territory and actually, I have tried not having ADHD, sort of. It actually rules but it also relies on me doing that thing I’m not supposed to do: take speed in the middle of the night.

Do you do, like, maybe benzodiazepines? Yeah, I know, they stop working. Melatonin has never actually done shit when I’ve tried it. Maybe i seriously need to investigate finding someone who will let me try amphetamine and SNRI (atomoxetine) combination therapy? That might work.

Sorry. Squirreled there. My bad.

Physical exercise and movement. I’m in bed. I have needed to piss for the last 90 minutes and yet I have not pissed. Point made? Good.

Reframe. Ok, these are mostly not “I wonder why we have ten toes?” Thoughts. Ok. Some of them are. Squirrel. Most of them are actually “given the state of the world let’s dwell on the actually not implausible scenarios in which I could die quite horribly and quite soon”.

Not thanking my brain for those. Not imagining them in a silly voice. Just mostly being actually shit scared of them.

Time blocking: doesn’t apply. I’m in bed. Also stuff that’s “time management” coded falls into the category of “things that caused my worst burnouts in the half century I had no fucking help for any of this” and so there trauma-coded. That sucks.

Healthy distractions:journaling. Used to be quite the blogger but burned out. More recently I tried using the iPhone’s journaling app for a bit. Made lovely journal entries. Novelty trigger wore off. Phone reminding me to journal my day served as a repeating monument to failure. I deleted the app.

But here I am. I wrote this. It’s probably full of typos. I wrote it on my phone. Might cone back and tidy it up later. Probably won’t.

Suspect this is a once only thing. Also it took me well over an hour and it’s now half past eight and I still need to piss, and I still need to sleep.

Might be able to manage the first one at least. Finally.

God, I fucking hate having ADHD.