Profoundly great therapy session. A realisation: have spent my entire life trying to hide who I really am from people who actually LIKE who I really am, and instead strive towards some neurotypical idea of what someone like me SHOULD be, and beating myself up for not reaching a standard I will never reach set by people who I don’t respect and who will never respect me anyway.
And being terrified that my constant failure to reach that standard means my actual loved ones will abandon me because I’m unable to be what I was always told I needed to be.
Simultaneously grossly overestimating my ability to mask myself from people I share my life and bed with, and actually being a bit insulting to them and myself for believing that I needed to do that, because nobody would ever actually want ME.
And I know why I did that. It was something I needed to do to survive a landscape where my synapses would hoard the neurotransmitters needed to prevent my own subconscious constantly whispering self hatred into my thoughts.
But I don’t need that any more. I
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Profoundly great therapy session. A realisation: have spent my entire life trying to hide who I really am from people who actually LIKE who I really am, and instead strive towards some neurotypical idea of what someone like me SHOULD be, and beating myself up for not reaching a standard I will never reach set by people who I don’t respect and who will never respect me anyway.
And being terrified that my constant failure to reach that standard means my actual loved ones will abandon me because I’m unable to be what I was always told I needed to be.
Simultaneously grossly overestimating my ability to mask myself from people I share my life and bed with, and actually being a bit insulting to them and myself for believing that I needed to do that, because nobody would ever actually want ME.
And I know why I did that. It was something I needed to do to survive a landscape where my synapses would hoard the neurotransmitters needed to prevent my own subconscious constantly whispering self hatred into my thoughts.
But I don’t need that any more. I’ve made them give up their precious monoamines.
And I can be me.
And stop apologising for it.
Because who I am is not only good enough; who I am is loved.
This really resonates with me. I spent my childhood constantly being bullied by my parents due to my difference and so spent that and my early adulthood trying to be everything they told me I needed to be, and ultimately failing. Add in my hidden gender identity and we have a toxic recipe for vicious self loathing and guaranteed failure.
Since my parents died, and my disowning of my family, I have been able to put that mostly in the past and as a result I have finally been able to thrive, because I simply do not have them constantly telling me I am not good enough.
I am now in a stable well paid job, living overseas and living my best life.
It is not perfect, bit it is better than anything I ever had while they were alive. I think that speaks volumes.
Oh this is SUCH a good realisation. Maybe write it down somewhere you can look at it every now and then, in case you forget. The drugs really do work don't they?
Profoundly great therapy session. A realisation: have spent my entire life trying to hide who I really am from people who actually LIKE who I really am, and instead strive towards some neurotypical idea of what someone like me SHOULD be, and beating myself up for not reaching a standard I will never reach set by people who I don’t respect and who will never respect me anyway.
And being terrified that my constant failure to reach that standard means my actual loved ones will abandon me because I’m unable to be what I was always told I needed to be.
Simultaneously grossly overestimating my ability to mask myself from people I share my life and bed with, and actually being a bit insulting to them and myself for believing that I needed to do that, because nobody would ever actually want ME.
And I know why I did that. It was something I needed to do to survive a landscape where my synapses would hoard the neurotransmitters needed to prevent my own subconscious constantly whispering self hatred into my thoughts.
But I don’t need that any more. I’ve made them give up their precious monoamines.
And I can be me.
And stop apologising for it.
Because who I am is not only good enough; who I am is loved.
I have seen the Pomodoro technique described as a “low stress way to help focus” and honestly I find it hard to imagine something being much more stressful and less likely to help me focus than Satan’s tyrannical alarm clock.
It doesn't work for me, too. I mean I use alarm clocks but more to remind me to go to a meeting to be on time. Homeoffice works if I have 2 or 3 kitchen timer running around me with sticky notes on their back telling me which meeting I have to join when its alarm goes off.
It never worked for me either until one day it became obligatory for me to take breaks from the screen roughly every 30 mins. The main focus is not on being productive within those 30 mins but on having rest in between. Somehow it naturally translated into me focusing solely on what's important instead of procrastinating. Also my mental stamina lasts longer this way. I only recently realized I've been following the Pomodoro technique. I don't use an alarm clock, though.
Oh yes, I had a similar reaction when I first tried the technique years ago. Doing something within those 25 mins felt like an obligation, so it tired me in advance. Now the only obligation is to have a break -- this is the only rule. Maybe that's why the work part doesn't feel like a chore anymore. It's always just my choice. I also don't follow the timer strictly.
@I Write Like Large parts of my brain regard obligation as the most profoundly offensive insult. It's something I spend a lot of energy trying to avoid.
I keep getting this content promoted at me and all of it ignores the inconvenient elephant in the room: that what these people charge over a pound a minute for comes out of a bottle marked “Elvanse”. youtu.be/mR-svVBD18M?is=Lok3Ny…
Second Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@Watts-ThoughtsMost people believe healing makes you softer.Kinder.More open.More forgiving.Carl Jung discovered the ...
"The same sound, color or texture can suddenly change from very sensitive to very dull."
What do these words even mean? What is a very sensitive sound? A sound which I feel acutely? A sound which is appropriate to the needs of another? A sound which evidences a precise change? What is a dull sound? A bell made of lead? A thud? A quiet sound? A boring sound? An unintelligent sound? How are any of these parings in opposition to each other? How can they preserve any such meaning across all of sounds, colours and textures?
Never seen this test before, but it is infuriating. All the options seem to be "True" or "Never" as well.
@chiffchaff I'm increasingly coming to the conclusion that the point of RAADS-R is that you do it in the presence of a clinician and the real test is how you respond to the questions, not what your answers are.
in searching for what this test was, I was given the French version, and that question seems more coherent if still unclear what they mean by "without any transition"; presumably "without passing through intermediate states".
«Je peux sans transition être très sensible ou pas du tout sensible au même son, à la même couleur ou à la même textture. »
≈ "I can, without any transition, be very sensitive or not at all sensitive to the same sound, color, or texture."
@pseudomonas I think that's a lot clearer (at least to a charitable reader).
In English, "sensitive" in the meaning they intend is a property of someone who senses, not of the thing being sensed, whereas "dull" is the opposite. Putting the two in opposition is just ugly and weird.
Clearly a sensee can be dull (like Father Stone) and a thing being sensed can be sensitive (like a balance) to make the subjects of the sentence arms match, but neither of these meanings was intended.
They could have written "I can be sensitive to a sound, color, or texture one moment, but not at all sensitive to it the next", or something like that.
I understood the meaning, but it's hard to credit something so gauche making it into a published test.
@chiffchaff indeed. And given that supposedly these questionnaires have gone through several iterations of validation, it seems surprising that they kept it. (though once it had been published I am not at all surprised that there was no move to change it; any changes would need a re-assessment. I wonder how much translations get scrutinised.)
A thing they don’t tell you when you start amphetamine for ADHD, but they SHOULD, is that what they do is NOT make you function like a neurotypical.
What they actually do is turn you into a person with ADHD with greater capacity.
Sometimes MUCH greater capacity.
And there can be a honeymoon phase when you’re all like, “OMG! I’m saved! I can do all the things now!”
And the risk is that you will use the extra capacity to mask harder and engage in more of the same stuff that was causing burnout.
And then 3-6 months later you find yourself in the same place you started but with an amphetamine habit. Also you can sit still.
I see a LOT of people online who hit the point a few months in where they conclude they have stopped working and start desperately doing meds breaks, long supplement recipes, etc to get back the “functionality”.
And these people, more often than not, also seem to have massive internalised ableism. They never accept their own disability, instead thinking it’s their “duty
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A thing they don’t tell you when you start amphetamine for ADHD, but they SHOULD, is that what they do is NOT make you function like a neurotypical.
What they actually do is turn you into a person with ADHD with greater capacity.
Sometimes MUCH greater capacity.
And there can be a honeymoon phase when you’re all like, “OMG! I’m saved! I can do all the things now!”
And the risk is that you will use the extra capacity to mask harder and engage in more of the same stuff that was causing burnout.
And then 3-6 months later you find yourself in the same place you started but with an amphetamine habit. Also you can sit still.
I see a LOT of people online who hit the point a few months in where they conclude they have stopped working and start desperately doing meds breaks, long supplement recipes, etc to get back the “functionality”.
And these people, more often than not, also seem to have massive internalised ableism. They never accept their own disability, instead thinking it’s their “duty” to use any means possible to “not inflict my shame on anyone else”.
And using up that extra capacity from amphetamine to do that is a nasty trap because you can’t go back. Ever.
@neoluddite What if street drugs aren't actually fundamentally addictive? They just seem addictive because they're illegal. So the only people who take it are those who really, really, really feel they "need" to. @FIAR_Light @goatsarah
It is known to work for 80-90% of the people it treats, which is a proportion many medications can never hope to reach, and with more efficacy than any other psychiatric medicine.
And a lot of the remainder it works for with less efficacy, and a smaller number of them don’t actually have ADHD and are misdiagnosed by a clinician who thinks it’s “phone scrolling disease”.
I mean, it’s up there with ibuprofen and paracetamol for efficacy.
Why THIS medicine in particular, when we are already stigmatised for taking it by many?
Yeah. Me too. In particular: House is clean. Blood pressure has gone from grade one hypertensive to low normal. Sleep quality has improved. Alcohol consumption dropped from 30 units a week to ZERO. Diet now includes salad. Weight gone from obese to ideal. Getting more exercise. I no longer hate myself. My tics have stopped. I can hear what people are saying in noisy environments. My driving has improved. THE FUCKING BED IS MADE.
Just seen someone saying they support bans on trans healthcare for under 18s because “let kids be kids”.
By the time I hit puberty, I had KNOWN for a decade.
I also knew that telling anyone would be profoundly dangerous.
So I hid who I was and, am almost grateful that the neurodivergence gave the other kids something else to latch on to. They were so busy calling me a “mong” that they didn’t notice I was trans.
Because that might have got me murdered.
Or pushed me into a position where I felt I had no options other than the same end result.
So I hid it.
And I hid it really well.
And one of the things that happens when a 5 year old child is terrified of their parents, or their families, or the school bullies finding out who they really are is that they end up traumatised.
A 5 year old child. Traumatised and ashamed.
Ashamed because adults openly talked about them.
Or people like them.
And what they said was horrific. What they said made it very clear that they would regard their ow
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Just seen someone saying they support bans on trans healthcare for under 18s because “let kids be kids”.
By the time I hit puberty, I had KNOWN for a decade.
I also knew that telling anyone would be profoundly dangerous.
So I hid who I was and, am almost grateful that the neurodivergence gave the other kids something else to latch on to. They were so busy calling me a “mong” that they didn’t notice I was trans.
Because that might have got me murdered.
Or pushed me into a position where I felt I had no options other than the same end result.
So I hid it.
And I hid it really well.
And one of the things that happens when a 5 year old child is terrified of their parents, or their families, or the school bullies finding out who they really are is that they end up traumatised.
A 5 year old child. Traumatised and ashamed.
Ashamed because adults openly talked about them.
Or people like them.
And what they said was horrific. What they said made it very clear that they would regard their own kids as subhuman monsters if they ever found out.
So we hid. And an important part of ourselves died in childhood. A light that should have shone, went out.
I’ve tried my best to rekindle it.
I’ve managed somewhat but it will never be right. Not really. I’ve made peace with that.
“Let kids be kids”. Trans kids like me never got to be.
@jfmezei @burnoutqueen @jrdepriest I don't know what the actual decisions are in Québec but the principle is "Children 14 to 17 years old (but under 18) can make decisions on their own about care necessary for their health," so this whole under 18 thing should not matter if they are interpreting the principle correctly.
@jfmezei @jrdepriest @burnoutqueen for medically necessary interventions; governments could conceivably meddle there, but that is not the current target of the Quebec government as I understand it.
Due to complaints, I apologized for having wanted to learn because apparenrtly it is called "sealiioning" when one wants explanations and complaints were made. My posts appear gone already, but would have deleted them dueto complaints. I still learned some stuff.
@mcnado@mstdn.social I'm not trans either, and definitely not a physician or other healthcare provider. But because I have trans friends, I still felt a need to write this, ICYMI: https://www.commondreams.
I just got IPv6 with multiple upstream and downstream interfaces, one of which is Wireguard, working via prefix delegation on my OpenWRT box and I feel like a networking goddess right now. THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT ACCOMPLISH!
Phone call out of the blue from car dealer about organising a service. Changed location, date, various sundry questions, all in Portuguese, all with no more stress than had it been in English (which given I hadn't taken my Elvanse yet is a very low bar). Even a year ago that would have been unthinkable. Something has "clicked".
Being a member of the Cult of Amphetamine is all consuming in a way that even transition isn’t.
The trans thing these days is easy. You take HRT and then forget about it (we outsource “constantly being Normal about trans women” to Joanne Rowling and Shut Up Wesley Streeting).
But this … the thing is you have the whole Flowers for Agernon daily speed run (pun possibly intended). You count your hours and plan your day around the likely time, plus or minus a bit, when you will suddenly turn from being a functional adult into an overstimulated bag of cats.
A true revolution would be giving us all day relief. You can’t do that with stimulants though.
And as a result, you kinda end up leaning into the whole “medically sanctioned speed addict” thing, especially as irreverent humour is already something having ADHD tends to prime you for.
ah yes welcome to the 'is the person I want to be?' angst. After 5 years I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that career success isn't worth it. I frequently miss being embodied chaos.
@Cy I have Elvanse 70, which is delayed release rather than extended release, and Amfexa 20, which is instant release dexamphetamine, which I normally take in doses of 10mg
yeah just today I slept in and thus couldn’t really take my extended release pills anymore cause it’d still be in my system round bedtime so I was useless all day. Jokes on me of course as I clearly ended up staying up late enough anyhow
i sleep fine on stims during the day (planned and unplanned naps) but not at night. I think it’s purely psychological (worrying i’m not gonna sleep keeping me up) but knowing that doesn’t change it
The Greens eye-catching victory in the Gorton & Denton by-election has shined a light on the Reform Party, and specifically Nigel Farage’s key policy of being horrible cunts, which seems like …
Is there any chance we can make naming the parties part of the democratic process? I would love to rename some parties “Flock of Horrible Cunts,” “The Diapers” or “Come Caca” for a Spanish version (we could go way harder, but I'm trying to keep it civil)
In a surprise byelection upset, it’s a thumping victory for estradiol. Testosterone must now rethink its focus on “growing hair in stupid-ass places” and get back to basics.
Imagine being one of those academics who realised in the 80s, or even earlier, that software development needed to be an engineering discipline.
And then you watch as the tail end of Gen X and the early Millennials teach themselves to code and some of them you can convince of your worldview.
But they end up working not as engineers or scientists, but as artisans in an industry that comes to depend on them working as artisans.
And then gets greedy.
And then decided it needed a million or more artisans.
And there just weren’t.
And because nobody turned it into an actual engineering discipline you then got an industry of senior artisans with a million idiots working under them
And now the idiots are being replaced with idiot machines that somehow, despite being computers, forgot how to even do arithmetic.
And then the ageing artisans are replaced by the idiot machines redigesting their own multiply ruminated “stack overflow from 2015 in a blender” over and over and over until it’s just whatever the silicon equ
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Imagine being one of those academics who realised in the 80s, or even earlier, that software development needed to be an engineering discipline.
And then you watch as the tail end of Gen X and the early Millennials teach themselves to code and some of them you can convince of your worldview.
But they end up working not as engineers or scientists, but as artisans in an industry that comes to depend on them working as artisans.
And then gets greedy.
And then decided it needed a million or more artisans.
And there just weren’t.
And because nobody turned it into an actual engineering discipline you then got an industry of senior artisans with a million idiots working under them
And now the idiots are being replaced with idiot machines that somehow, despite being computers, forgot how to even do arithmetic.
And then the ageing artisans are replaced by the idiot machines redigesting their own multiply ruminated “stack overflow from 2015 in a blender” over and over and over until it’s just whatever the silicon equivalent of drool is.
Imagine being one of the people who tried to prevent this and nobody listened to you.
Well, we're also the ones who spent several years busting hump to fix all the software we could think of that didn't understand that the year after 1999 was 2000, not 1900 or 19100. We had vendors sending us new releases in July 1999 that were still not compliant, we worked like mad dogs in the background to make sure everybody's milk got bottled and their checks got printed, then heard the world say "Oh, what a joke that Y2K thing was, all that fear and nothing bad happened! What a waste of time and money!"
So I'll say, on behalf of said academics, "Nah, we already knew they're all drooling lackwits, at this point it's become sick entertainment watching it all unfold."
I remember reading Knuth's Art of Computer Programming in the mid 1980s and thinking: yay, mathematical rigour will make CS really a "science". Then in my second round of university in 1986 a programming course was teaching Hoare's formal specifications and I thought: yay, software will have real "engineering".
Then I dropped out of the industry for a few years. When I came back to it (say, mid 1990s) there was no rigour, and "science" and "engineering" were just labels.
I was taught Software Engineering by Ian Sommerville when he was at Strathclyde University. So its infuriating that people are now vibe coding via plagiarism machines.
UK TERFs hate this one simple trick! Use your workplace toilets legally by adding the word “cleaner” to your job title and carrying an emotional support mop.
@m0rpk Nah, it probably just means toilets are not really single sex spaces. Especially if there is a single, lockable one-sex-at-a-time loo somewhere on site. @goatsarah
I know that some people swear by (rather than at; important to get prepositions right) the stuff but I’m convinced that Ritalin largely exists to make people like me feel better about not getting a childhood diagnosis.
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Elon became the billionaire with the highest score ever at billionaireing and the other billionaires will won’t have him on their rounders team. That’s got to sting.
People are being VERY hard on Elon. Who amongst us hasn't taken time away from your children on Christmas Day to email a convicted sex offender to tell him you'd like to party on his secret island of underage girls? Perfectly normal behaviour!
“China is eating our lunch” oh thanks for letting me know the good news, we have a pretty nice cuisine that’s very different from theirs i think they will like it
(Seriously though, I’ve heard that Psychiatry UK were so snowed under with demand that they closed their waiting list shortly after I joined. They’re overwhelmed)
Have talked to Sylvia’s psychiatrist about the possibility of him prescribing my ADHD meds rather than having to get them from the uk.
The problem is that my prescription is a hybrid Elvanse 70mg, Amfexa 20mg regime and whereas the Elvanse (lisdexamphetamine) is available here, the Amfexa (dexamphetamine) is not.
The latter is literally pharmaceutical grade speed. That’s not hyperbolic. That’s literally what it is. Some countries are a bit funny about prescribing it. Portugal is one such. They were going to before the pandemic but it seems to have fallen but the wayside.
The former is a prodrug which converts to dexamphetamine in the blood. This makes it much less attractive to addicts because you can’t snort it and it has a delayed effect.
That delayed effect makes it rubbish as a booster. It’s also fickle. Sometimes it just doesn’t work very well. I am extremely reluctant to give up my dex.
Said psych suggested a few possibilities:
1 - take Elvanse later in the day. That’s literally rationing sanity. A
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Have talked to Sylvia’s psychiatrist about the possibility of him prescribing my ADHD meds rather than having to get them from the uk.
The problem is that my prescription is a hybrid Elvanse 70mg, Amfexa 20mg regime and whereas the Elvanse (lisdexamphetamine) is available here, the Amfexa (dexamphetamine) is not.
The latter is literally pharmaceutical grade speed. That’s not hyperbolic. That’s literally what it is. Some countries are a bit funny about prescribing it. Portugal is one such. They were going to before the pandemic but it seems to have fallen but the wayside.
The former is a prodrug which converts to dexamphetamine in the blood. This makes it much less attractive to addicts because you can’t snort it and it has a delayed effect.
That delayed effect makes it rubbish as a booster. It’s also fickle. Sometimes it just doesn’t work very well. I am extremely reluctant to give up my dex.
Said psych suggested a few possibilities:
1 - take Elvanse later in the day. That’s literally rationing sanity. An Elvanse 70 pill is 6-7 hours of Flowers for Algernon speed run. That’s no way to Live. My facial expression made him discard that.
2 - switch to methylphenidate, the other arch stimulant. Available in sustained release form as Concerta and in instant release as the very well known drug, Ritalin.
Problem with that is as far as my body is concerned (I have tried methylphenidate. I will not elaborate on this point), it’s basically “a bit shit”.
I free to it as “a coffee tribute act”, or if I’m in a scathing mood, “shitalin”. It’s a very big the “sit in the corner and shut up” zombie drug that was always used as a threat as a kid if I didn’t “act more normal”.
3 - Elvanse with Ritalin booster. See 2 for explanation as to why this can get in the bin and stay there.
4 - Elvanse with Elvanse booster.
Ok. Not ideal. Elvanse is at least amphetamine, which is the med that actually works for me, even if the neurotypical world seems to treat it as basically raw addition fuel (weirdoes), although it’s fickle. And slow.
But I was encouraged to experiment.
So I have done
Some months ago I tired 70+30. The 30 gained my about 90 minutes and had me running back to my beloved dex at the end of that. Useless.
In November I tried 70+50. Got 4 hours extra. They were rubbish hours. And the drop was horrible.
Getting a bit despondent here.
Today I tried the nuclear option. At 10:28 I took my usual Elvanse 70 and waited.
20 minutes later I started to feel myself turning into a functional adult.
Bit rubbish and distractable for the next 6 hours. Despite being trans I do have a monthly cycle (I can see it oh my resting heart rate graph. It also syncs with Sylvia’s period which is freaky) and I’m at my low and - see previous comments about Elvanse being fickle.
At about 17:00 I started to feel what I now know is noradrenaline imbalance in my peripheral nervous system. Dopamine drops faster leaving noradrenaline to go after. It means my brain is going to follow within the next 15-60 minutes and when that does … Flowers for Algernon.
At this point I would usually take my die at Amfexa of the day.
I didn’t. At 17:20 I took another Elvanse 70.
Peripheral noradrenaline imbalance continued to climb because … Elvanse. Amfexa would fix the problem in about 2 minutes.
But it doesn’t take a big rise in serum dexamphetamine to ward the drop away. Within 15 minutes I was fine.
So the question is, how long? As a primary med, the difference between Elvanse 50 and 70 was about half an hour, so I was a little pessimistic.
But then a curious thing happened. The executive function I’d been a bit rubbish on all day came roaring back. Nice!
Got to 10pm ish and had something to eat. That causes Elvanse’s prodrug conversion to increase usually and indeed, it did.
“Have the lambs stopped screaming, Agent Starling?”
That never gets old. I sat upright I stared into space. The earworm fell silent. Intrusive distractions went away. My sensory overstimulation dropped to zero. Emotions fell into line and got fully with the programme.
And after a few minutes of enjoying the utter utter bliss of a quiet mind, I got up and tidied the living room and kitchen.
At 01:10 I felt peripheral noradrenaline imbalance. That’s it. The end was coming. I have to let it happen.
Turn coffee machine on. “Esvaziar bandeja de gotas!” (Empty drip tray). COME ON! NOT FAIR!
Urgh! Hands feel gungy. Thighs are touching. It’s horrific. Every sound is loud. Getting louder. Lights so many lights. So many. So bright. Tension. Stress. Fiddle with hair. Scratch at arms. Empty the drip tray.
Double long espresso, with maximum brew strength.
Sensory issues building. Coffee grinder runs for the first shot. LOUD.
Coffee pours.
Grinder runs again. MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE. NO. EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE!
01:17. Jaw starts trembling. The neural pathways that make me into a functional adult abruptly cease function as the dopamine needed to regulate the synapses became simply unavailable. Emotions go haywire. I am so sad. There are air molecules touching my skin. I have internal organs. It’s all horrible. The world is noisy and bright. I think there’s supposed to be a squirrel at this point?
30 seconds later I stabilise a little below my pre-medication baseline. My brain is now the brain of a mildly confused child. The focus, executive function, emotional regulation, clarity of thought, neural interconnect that I had enjoyed 15 minutes earlier was just gone.
It’s a lot like being two different people. One of them has to parent the other.
Oh, and the one that’s writing this has no bloody impulse control. That’s fun. I’m also twitchy as hell.
I drank the coffee. I’m now on my fourth shot of espresso. It doesn’t get me back to that beloved state but it takes the edge off and it will help me sleep.
Anyway, experiment a success. My drops are pretty much all like that so whatever. I got almost fifteen hours, and the latter few were really nice.
I’m sticking with the UK for now but I might make an appointment with the psych and present 70+70 as a hypothetical.
I feel like 70+50 he’d have no issue with but 70+70 might make him suck his cheeks a bit.
On 11:00 on the 16th of April last year I took a pill.
I did not understand what I was doing then. I had no way of understanding what I was doing. What it was about to do to me was something I had no reference frame for.
So dopamine and noradrenaline functioning in the population is a normal distribution, more or less.
Somewhere beyond the second standard deviation downwards from the mean, there is a line. On one side of that line lies 96% of the population. I’m the other side. Probably quite a long way on the other side.
At 11:15, I crossed that line, for the first time in my life.
I don’t know if I vocalised but my first thought was, “huh?”
I was sitting on the loo at the time by the way.
Suddenly I understood. I understood all of it.
That pill, Elvanse, 30mg, a dose that I would barely even notice now, was in a very real way the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
I can’t un-know what I
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That. Sodding. Book. (Flowers for Algernon)
Goddam it.
What did I have to go and read it for?
On 11:00 on the 16th of April last year I took a pill.
I did not understand what I was doing then. I had no way of understanding what I was doing. What it was about to do to me was something I had no reference frame for.
So dopamine and noradrenaline functioning in the population is a normal distribution, more or less.
Somewhere beyond the second standard deviation downwards from the mean, there is a line. On one side of that line lies 96% of the population. I’m the other side. Probably quite a long way on the other side.
At 11:15, I crossed that line, for the first time in my life.
I don’t know if I vocalised but my first thought was, “huh?”
I was sitting on the loo at the time by the way.
Suddenly I understood. I understood all of it.
That pill, Elvanse, 30mg, a dose that I would barely even notice now, was in a very real way the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
I can’t un-know what I know.
Immediately before that point I was overweight and gaining, abusing alcohol more and more with each passing month, had blood pressure pushing grade 1 hypertension, blood markers that were starting to scream something about Type II diabetes, and was engaged in an experiment to disprove the idea that you can’t live on a diet made up exclusively of wine and cheese triangles.
I was also objectively a really bloody nice person even though I hated myself quite profoundly. I didn’t deserve to.
I am, today, objectively better in pretty much every respect. My weight is ideal. I eat well. I don’t drink alcohol. My cardiovascular health is beyond what a 52 year old has any right to expect. My relationships are so much better. I am not in a hostage situation with my own emotions any more. I am not constantly tormented by my own nervous system and the belief that everyone secretly hates me. I sometimes LIKE myself. I get housework done. I drive better. I move better. I have a new therapist who I get on really well with and who is helping me immensely.
And in a few hours I am going to become that person I was before 11:15 on the 16th of April and I resent that.
What does that say about me?
Tomorrow: repeat. Sunday: repeat. Monday: repeat.
And so on. Speed running (hah!) the bloody book every day.
And I KNOW.
And I can’t ever not know.
And if this is ever taken from me, the pain from wanting it will be indescribable. I’ll also turn to alcohol again within, I was going to say 2 weeks. I suspect it would be more like 2 days.
Medicine does not understand the structural problems in my brain enough to fix them. It found this treatment by accident. It’s suggested that if you start it early enough in life you MIGHT get some baseline structural improvement.
Might.
Some.
We evangelise to those who are the way we were, you know. We know the pain and we so desperately want them to have the ability to be free of it and even love themselves, the way we now can. Most of them find this a bit weird and incomprehensible. I did too when it was me.
“I will look into it when I’m less overwhelmed”
“But that’s what it fixes! That’s like going out into a snowstorm to get something from the shop in shorts and a T shirt and saying you’ll put your coat on when you get back!”
Incomprehension
But even then knowledge has a price, and there are no refunds. Some of that knowledge is knowing that I spent five decades going out into that snowstorm undressed when I didn’t have to.
(Ok, maybe some of them. I was born in the 70s after all)
Would I did it again if I knew beforehand what it was going to do?
Yes. I would. I would be compelled to.
But part of me wishes I didn’t know.
I’d hate myself. I’d get diabetes. And cancer. And die far too early, never understanding why I yelled at the people I loved as I drank myself to death, and tormented by a life of executive paralysis and emotional tempests, while wanting to crawl out of my own skin.
But I wouldn’t have known anything better was possible.
I'd rather have guaicfine because I feel like the productivity given by stimulant meds isnt going to be enough to counteract my severe RSD but basically they're bound by NICE guidelines so I have to go through all that (also annoyingly the NP I have seemed kind of against it because "you have to take it like antidepressants" - I don't want antidepressants because they arent right for me, not the taking regularly issue. I did it for 4 years. I just want something that works.
@Heather 👻 If methylphenidate makes you feel like a zombie, don't be afraid to ask to titrate on Elvanse. Some are fine with the former but I know a whole bunch of people (myself included) who do not have great experiences on it.
When I tell recent transitioners about how, 20 years ago, I was required to socially transition without hormones to prove I was serious, they are appalled.
I hope in 20 years, people are similarly incredulous that in 2026, ADHD treatment involves strictly rationing the number of hours you spend as a functional adult each day, with "eight" being considered an acceptable number.
Like, I get 12. 14 on a good day.
And I regard that as cruel and inadequate, but my prescriber is one of the progressive ones for giving me that much.
And it isn't like transfemale HRT where you can just say, "screw your crappy meds regime, I'm getting my own".
Because ... well getting your own all gets a bit Breaking Bad very quickly.
Still, could be worse. The tales I hear my American chaos goblin friends tell about getting their meds are horrific to me. Apparently their authorities cap the amount of ADHD medication that is made each year at significantly below the level required to medicate everyone prescribed it, sort of like airline overbooking.
And then they wa
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When I tell recent transitioners about how, 20 years ago, I was required to socially transition without hormones to prove I was serious, they are appalled.
I hope in 20 years, people are similarly incredulous that in 2026, ADHD treatment involves strictly rationing the number of hours you spend as a functional adult each day, with "eight" being considered an acceptable number.
Like, I get 12. 14 on a good day.
And I regard that as cruel and inadequate, but my prescriber is one of the progressive ones for giving me that much.
And it isn't like transfemale HRT where you can just say, "screw your crappy meds regime, I'm getting my own".
Because ... well getting your own all gets a bit Breaking Bad very quickly.
Still, could be worse. The tales I hear my American chaos goblin friends tell about getting their meds are horrific to me. Apparently their authorities cap the amount of ADHD medication that is made each year at significantly below the level required to medicate everyone prescribed it, sort of like airline overbooking.
And then they watch as people get to go cold turkey every month and engage in some Hunger Games, Pharmacy Edition, shite to try and get hold of them.
@static Because of course what you put into your body (at no harm to anyone) is the state’s business somehow. they blow it way out of proportion into a made up ethical problem which it is not. it’s a matter of personal health only
@zaire the insane anarchist @Briala it doesn’t help that nearly every result when one tries to look up one’s prescribed medication is an addiction resource site.
@zaire I've heard it said that ADHD stimulant medications are just not addictive to people with ADHD. But then, the therapeutic dose is usually a lot lower than recreational...
@zaire Ooh... That's interesting! Maybe I got that wrong as I don't actually know what recreational sizes typically are. But that kind of reinforces my initial point.
I read the original 1958 novella when I was still a child. There is a 1968 film, called Charly. Cliff Robertson (Charlie Gordon) won an Oscar for that. The novel was published in 1966.
YouTube has a copy of a 1961 TV adaptation of the novella, "The Two Worlds of Charlie Gordon", in which Cliff Robertson plays the same role.
U.S. Steel Hour: "The Two Worlds of Charlie Gordon." Original air date: February 22, 1961.In this teleplay adaptation of Daniel Keyes' noted short story “Flo...
I think ADHD might explain a lot of my (perceived) weirdness, and a lot of other stuff about my immediate family. I'm late in coming to this but I think I should begin to discuss it with my GP and my now-adult kids. Reading your account of your experiences here has been helpful. Thank you.
What does it say that I want a transparent glass bauble for the pills to go in. Make sure people around me understand what it says about *them* when the unused supply decreases as I spend time around them.
agreed. Can't help with the spare-pill part, though my friend Jack does do the jewelry/fidget part (look for OiShiny on Etsy if interested. UK-based, not sure current European shipping policies, think US off atm)
Openwork, so not watertight, but there are poison-ring jewelry styles that do have tightly sealing compartments. Though I find rings less fidgety than pendant necklaces.
In his culturally significant work of 1995, Mr Cocker gives an allegedly autobiographical account of a night spent in a field in the southern English county of Hampshire. The account is based on a claim, supposedly overheard, that someone makes detailing their abundant possession of a number of substances which probably include a mixture persil and chalk dust.
These, however, would generally be regarded as excipients, resold considerably above their retail value. The significant active ingredients of the mixture would be 3,4 methelyne dioxy N-methyl dextro alpha metyhl phenethylamine (“Molly”) and its base compound, dextro alpha methyl phenethylamine (“Benny”)
These are both monoamine neurotransmitter releasing agents and monoamine neurotransmitter reuptake inhibitors, with significant efficacy on the monoamines, dopamine and noradrenaline.
Mr Cocker elaborates by noting that in the middle of the night, the experience of consuming inadvisable amounts of these substances is an agreeable one. Their relatively short period of efficacy, howeve
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In his culturally significant work of 1995, Mr Cocker gives an allegedly autobiographical account of a night spent in a field in the southern English county of Hampshire. The account is based on a claim, supposedly overheard, that someone makes detailing their abundant possession of a number of substances which probably include a mixture persil and chalk dust.
These, however, would generally be regarded as excipients, resold considerably above their retail value. The significant active ingredients of the mixture would be 3,4 methelyne dioxy N-methyl dextro alpha metyhl phenethylamine (“Molly”) and its base compound, dextro alpha methyl phenethylamine (“Benny”)
These are both monoamine neurotransmitter releasing agents and monoamine neurotransmitter reuptake inhibitors, with significant efficacy on the monoamines, dopamine and noradrenaline.
Mr Cocker elaborates by noting that in the middle of the night, the experience of consuming inadvisable amounts of these substances is an agreeable one. Their relatively short period of efficacy, however, results in levels of the two aforementioned monoamine neurotransmitters becoming clinically depleted at around 6am.
In a phone call to his mother, perhaps from a BT phone booth as this story occurs just before the wide scale adoption of cellular telephones and certainly ones that would still have significant charge at this point, the storyteller laments to his mother a “horrible feeling” which “grows and grows” and leads him to deduce the absence of an “important part” of his brain.
That Mr Cocker describes monoamine insufficiency as a “horrible feeling” leads your author to regret her lack of mastery of the tiny violin as she, perhaps understandably but uncharitably contributes, “welcome to my normal life, you daft bastard. Sucks, doesn’t it?”
Must confess I'm not very familiar with the Pulp (Jarvis Cocker) discography (not proud of that, what I've heard is very good) so I had to look it up. Extraordinary. He's actually performing it at Glastonbury 1995 in the video.
Pulp - Sorted For E's & Wizz (HD Video) 1995Official promo video footage from Glastonbury Festival UK 24th June 1995https://www.jarviscocker.nethttps://www.g...
I mean, I know when I got medical dilators 21 years ago they were clinical and unpleasant and had weird handles, but the business end was essentially a very plain, slightly pointy, totally straight dildo.
Alexa Devreux-Swift
in reply to Sarah Brown • • •This really resonates with me. I spent my childhood constantly being bullied by my parents due to my difference and so spent that and my early adulthood trying to be everything they told me I needed to be, and ultimately failing. Add in my hidden gender identity and we have a toxic recipe for vicious self loathing and guaranteed failure.
Since my parents died, and my disowning of my family, I have been able to put that mostly in the past and as a result I have finally been able to thrive, because I simply do not have them constantly telling me I am not good enough.
I am now in a stable well paid job, living overseas and living my best life.
It is not perfect, bit it is better than anything I ever had while they were alive. I think that speaks volumes.
Sarah Brown
in reply to Alexa Devreux-Swift • •Alexa Devreux-Swift
in reply to Sarah Brown • • •Ailbhe
in reply to Sarah Brown • • •Sarah Brown likes this.
Sarah Brown
in reply to Sarah Brown • •Sarah Brown tagged Sarah Brown's status with #ADHD
Sarah Brown
2026-04-02 12:18:18
Sarah Brown tagged Sarah Brown's status with #ADHD
Sarah Brown
2026-04-02 12:18:18
Sarah Brown
in reply to Ailbhe • •